


Effervescent

by KanzFrafka (TikolaNesla), Molly Bod (Strudelmugel)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Multi, Rough Sex, Texting, Threesome, a very serious story, cbt implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 17:16:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20439632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TikolaNesla/pseuds/KanzFrafka, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strudelmugel/pseuds/Molly%20Bod
Summary: Eduard's furious when he finds his friend has written his phone number on a bathroom wall. He's also horny enough to give it a try, but when things get serious, he's found he might've lead two different guys on.





	Effervescent

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, we're so sorry for this terrible piece of shit. But also not because this was hilarious to write.  
This story follows Ed and his pathetic love life.
> 
> ...
> 
> Jānis - Latvia  
Tomas - Lithuania  
Adriaan - Netherlands  
Gunner - Denmark  
Logan - Australia

Eduard was livid. He was going to kill Jānis for this!

For once, his weak little arms didn’t struggle against the stupidly heavy door to the men’s bathroom, and he burst inside in a flurry of fury. He practically punched open the door to the furthest stall, where his number had been written under ‘call for a good time’. His hand shook with rage as he took out a marker and crossed out the word ‘call’.

Next to it, he wrote ‘text’.

He knew he should cross out his number instead, but to be fair, he was going through a dry spell. A dry spell that had lasted the five years since graduating university. He’d take whatever sleezeball creeps responded to these kinds of messages at this point. Honestly, it beat genuinely wondering if he should count that tapeworm as the last time someone had been inside him, or wearing turtlenecks that were a little too small to get the feeling of being choked.

And it wasn’t like this was some shady nightclub, it was the Kiek in de Kök Fortification Museum. Who would look for hookups in the bathroom of a fortification museum? Someone super weird, probably. Or an old guy. Maybe a sugar daddy to pay off his student loans. Or a mysterious, rich tourist from a far off land, and they’d have a fling before parting ways forever.

Or, he’d end up talking to someone, getting along, then sending a picture of his face and not getting a reply. Or not even waiting for that and getting bored of his messages. He wasn’t good with people.

Still, with that little incident taken care of, he marched back outside to join his friends. Maybe they could have a normal day out now without being reminded of how sad and lonely his life was?

“I was just trying to help,” Jānis mumbled into his jumper when Eduard joined them.

“You have a really weird definition of ‘help’,” Eduard commented.

“We just want the best for you,” said Tomas, trying to play the peacemaker like he wasn’t equally as horrified at Jānis’ barefaced cheek and terrible attempt at helping his friend get laid. There was no helping Eduard and everyone knew it.

“You mean like how you went with me to the hospital to get that tapeworm removed? Oh wait!”

“We have our limits.”

“Yeah,” said Jānis, “and didn’t your cousin go with you instead?”

“Yes! And he livetweeted the entire thing! Now I’m known as that loser who was so lonely and depressed he ate raw herring until he got a tapeworm.”

“It’s not like we fed you the herring ourselves,” Jānis wrinkled his nose, “don’t blame us for your life being a mess.”

Before Eduard could even think of a reply, Tomas stepped between them again. “That’s all well and good,” he began like he’d stopped listening since he last spoke, “but I think we’ve left Feliks on his own for long enough, so we should go find him. Also I came here to look at a big fort, not talk about how lonely Eduard is. We do that enough.”

* * *

And in the hour or so it took the four of them to look around Kiek in de Kök, Eduard received two messages, both of which were dick pics.

“Let me see!” cried Jānis, craning his neck. Eduard pushed him away and held his phone out of reach. It wasn’t hard.

“If you wanted to see dicks, you shouldn’t have been born a manlet.”

“I’m dick-height sometimes actually. You’ve seen my boyfriend.”

Eduard nodded; he totally wasn’t jealous. “The skyscraper?” His boyfriend was so tall, and toned and handsome. He seemed like a complete dick, though, to everyone except Jānis. Eduard had met Adriaan a few times, and even just thinking about the guy made him softer than a saveloy. But around Jānis, he was gentle and caring, writing him poetry and sending him flowers from his own garden.

“Yup, and, oh, I love going up that elevator.” 

“Slut.” Eduard got to looking at his dick pic collection. They were both very nice. Bigger than his, of course, but he was a bottom so he didn’t mind so much. 

“Nice,” said Feliks, peeking over his shoulder, “what’re you gonna reply with?”

“Honestly? No idea.”

“Hmm, they’re not that big,” said Tomas, and everyone looked at him in bewilderment. “What? Can’t be more than, like… ten inches.”

Jānis looked at him. “If I wasn’t in a relationship, and we weren’t distantly related, I would be on that dick like-”

“Please,” Tomas begged, “don’t finish that sentence.”

“-like dust on Ed’s condom box.”

“Hey!” Why did everything always come back to roasting him?

“You can’t see the logo on it anymore. It’s like an old relic.”

“Like one of those nerdy boxes Tomas buys at the medieval fair,” said Feliks, “the old-worldy handmade ones.”

“You like medieval fairs too,” Tomas mumbled.

“I never spent €50 on an empty wooden box.”

“It had a nice pattern!”

“What do you even keep in it?”

“A second, smaller box.”

“And in that?”

“My copy of Space Jam.”

“You have shelves!”

“Well, I had to keep _ something _ in there!”

No one noticed Jānis reaching for Eduard’s phone until it was too late and he’d snatched it away. He typed as he dodged Eduard’s attempts to get it back, and it wasn’t until he’d copied and pasted a paragraph into both DMs that Eduard could finally see what he’d wrote:

> _ I want you to take that dick and fuck me until I can’t walk and have to wheelchair myself through Old Tallinn to the nearest hospital and my bussy looks like the Ülemiste Tunnel. Nut in every hole then my face until I’m numb physically instead of emotionally. _

“What the _fuck_, Jānis?”

Tomas craned his neck over Eduard’s shoulder. “You’ve gotta admit he’s got game. Just... Not sure what game he's playing.”

“I want to die.”

“You always want to die,” said Feliks.

Jānis shrugged. “Confidence is key.”

“Is this how you bagged the skyscraper?”

“God no. That would be terrible. I talked to him like a person.”

Eduard gave him a withering look, then frantically texted the first guy back. 

> _ I’m so sorry, my friend sent that. _

“Dude,” Feliks told him, reading over his shoulder, “You couldn’t have sounded more like you were lying if you tried.”

“It’s the truth!”

“So?”

Eduard groaned. 

He’d already texted back.

> _ So you don’t wanna get Ülemisted? _

Eduard did, he supposed. But it was way too embarrassing to admit that.

Feliks took his phone. “Maybe I do.”

“Hey!” He tried to snatch his phone back, and Feliks elbowed him. 

> _ What’s your name? _
> 
> _ Gunner, and u? _

> _ Eduard. _
> 
> _ Well, Eduard, what would you, not your friend, like me to do to you? _

Eduard stared at his phone. He had no idea how to put the thoughts in his head into words, and even if he did, he’d be too scared to say anything.

But he had to try.

> _ One sex please? _

He fucking hated himself.

> _ Haha I can arrange that. _

Eduard didn’t trust people who spelt out their laughs in texts. It was a little menacing. Keysmash like the rest of us, asshole. At least it meant he was a top, he supposed.

> _ You can arrange my insides. _

It was an attempt at a flirt, albeit a horrible one. 

“Isn’t it “rearrange”,” said Feliks.

“Well, if it’s “rearrange”, who arranged them the first time?”

“Fucking virgin.”

“I’m not! I’ve done many sex! I did one yesterday!”

“When?” asked Tomas, “we were playing Dungeons and Dragons all day.”

“Your dad was sucking me off under the table.”

“He died six years ago; you went to his funeral.”

“Yeah. I dicked him to death.”

Tomas squinted at him.

“Too far?”

“I just can’t take any claim of you topping seriously.”

“I can top!”

“You can top a cake, maybe,” said Jānis, “if you baked cakes instead of depression bread.”

“I don’t always bake depression bread!”

“You’re depressed therefore every bread you bake is depression bread.”

“I like kneading!”

“Why don’t you knead a pair of titties for once, Eduard?”

“Gonna knead your mum’s titties if you keep talking shit.”

Tomas swatted at him. “She’s dead too!”

“And?”

“How do you have friends?” asked Feliks. 

“I don’t, really,” admitted Eduard, “you guys were a miracle.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered you consider me a miracle,” Tomas told him, “Or offended you don’t consider me a friend.”

“I do. Miracle friends. Miracles are friendships and times I need to use a condom.”

“Maybe you can use some now,” said Jānis. 

“Jānis! We’re outside!”

“You know what I mean.”

“Impromptu water balloons?”

“Ed doesn’t, cause he’s a loser,” said Feliks. “Anyway, any replies yet?”

Eduard checked his phone. The second guy had replied.

> _ Fuk u for making me read all that. _

Then a second later.

> _ Still down 2 smsah tho. _

> _ That message doesn’t represent me. That was my friend. _
> 
> _ Haha i beleev u! _

If the guy’s dick wasn’t so big, Eduard would’ve blocked him for his atrocious spelling.

Tomas looked over his shoulder. “How did he manage to spell your phone number?”

“I’m sure he has a good personality.”

> _ I wanna put my cids in your shitter and bread you like a whorse. _

“Or… Not, but his dick is massive.”

“Ed, please be sensible.”

“No! I want dick!”

“He’s illiterate!”

“I’m getting my hole ruined by him, not giving him a spelling test.”

Tomas looked like he’d very much like to go home. Eduard wanted to go home too, but only so he could slap his nuts thinking about those massive dicks.

“Anyway, I got work to catch up on.” He gave a cough; “see you guys later.”

“You have an erection,” Jānis pointed out, tactful as ever.

“Nah, it’s just late. Time to hit the sack.” And then go to sleep.

“Which one?”

“Bye, guys!”

“Which sack, Eduard?”

Eduard dashed off before they could ask him again.


End file.
